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afterhours = meredithelaine

Age. 42
Gender. Female
Ethnicity. in desperate need of a tan
Location San Diego, CA
School. Univ of Scranton
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i want what i can't have
Monday. 9.24.07 10:39 pm
i spent a good hour crying my eyes out yesterday. why? because i had attempted to go clothes shopping. needless to say, it did not go well.

everything i tried on either didn't fit, made me look deformed, or made me look pregnant. not that looking pregnant is a bad thing. you know, if you ARE, IN FACT, preggers. which i am not.

is going out to gilly's 3 nights a week good for me? probably not. but i'm trying to make changes in other areas of my life - how i eat, etc., and i just seem to get puffier and puffier. i'm drinking a lot more water. i'm cutting WAY down on my sodium. i only drink diet soda and skim milk. i'm obsessed with nutrional labels, and try to buy things as low-fat as possible. give me the nutrional info for a random food, and i can tell you how many WeightWatchers Points it has.

i don't know what course of action to take, and i won't until at least november, when i have my first appointment with the specialist. should i not be eating carbs? eating ONLY carbs? eliminating wheat? dairy? or is it a hormonal/thyroid thing that i'll need to be on some medication for, for the rest of my life? do i need to just stop eating altogether and jog 14.26 miles a day? i have no fucking idea and it's driving me mad.

it's discouraging. i look in the mirror and want to cry, hurt myself...i just...don't know anymore. i HATE what i see. i HATE myself. i haven't hated myself this much in a very long time, and i don't have high self esteem to begin with. i have all these people in my life, who like me, love me, want to hang out with me...and i just keep asking myself WHY? why would anyone want to be associated with someone as hideous as me. i'm back to the highest weight i've ever been in my life. it wouldn't be quite as bad if i was a pretty, big girl. i know a lot of full-figured girls who are GORGEOUS. and they walk like HELLO, I AM YOUR DREAM COME TRUE, worship me like the goddess i am. i am not that lucky. i don't even look like myself. i am warped and hideous.

really, i'm fucking intolerable.

and i want to do something about it. i want to try. but i don't know what i can/can't/should/shouldn't do, and considering how messed up my health has been lately, i'm scared to fuck it up even WORSE by making changes to my diet, etc., that end up being the wrong thing to do, you know?

one of the things i've wanted most, and always have wanted most, in my entire life, is to be skinny. maybe that's messed up of me, but growing up as the fat girl (and having a gorgeous, skinny older sister), it just became an obsession. an unattainable, golden prize of an obsession.



u should try eating organic oats if u want to be skinny.
» renaye on 2007-09-25 02:32:47

Shopping for clothes is a bitch. Every time I go pants shopping, it seems that the companies that make jeans assume that if you're over a 12, you don't have any ass, but you have a gunt from here to Ohio. All of my pants, even my high waisted ones, have this retarded looking sag of fabric in the front, because i'm not built like the people they use to make their clothes on or something.

I do love the gap's shirts. They're plain, sure, but if you hit up an outlet, they're cheap and good quality. You can always decorate them as you see fit.
» ikimashokie on 2007-09-25 04:45:35

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» Virgilio ( on 2010-08-29 04:28:06



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